People should get medals for surviving high school.
In high school, I was never the pretty one. I was the smart one. The Smart One sits on the bleachers and watches her friends cheer for their quarterback boyfriends. She sits against the wall at the Homecoming Dance, pretending not to mind that she has no date, no one to dance with. She dreads Valentine’s Day, knowing she’ll never get one of those stupid roses they sold all week in the halls.
I did have a couple of boyfriends back then. But the ones I really wanted never seemed to want me back.
All those years, I felt fat. Unattractive. Strange. And now, I look back on some pictures from that time in my life and wish I could be that weight again. I wonder why I let myself feel so defeated. And it makes me think – was it my looks that held me back, or the way I FELT about my looks?
What I know is – I felt UGLY. Until Jon came along, that is. He seemed to think I hung the moon. He loved to look at me. He called me pretty.
I of course attributed this to the fact that he moved in from out of town and didn’t know any better. But then…I started ACTING pretty. More boys found me attractive. It was very odd.
I, like so many other women, changed routine once married. I really changed once Seven was born. I no longer cared so much about being pretty. I, for lack of a better term, let myself go. I stopped shopping for myself. My makeup ran out – whatever. New hairstyles? Not in years.
I felt ugly again.
Then the news came in March. You know the news. And that shot of adrenaline pushed me. How can an event so ugly push me into feeling better about myself?
I wanted to look better. I wanted to feel better. And I knew he was looking.
I’ve started wearing my makeup again, not to hide behind it, but to feel better. My wardrobe got a kick in the pants, and the new clothes encourage me to get dressed out of pjs and therefore out the door, out into the world again.
People are noticing.
You may have seen some of the pictures on my personal Facebook page. All were taken with my iPhone, so, nothing fancy. But I took them to send to Jon throughout the day, to remind him I am here.
I am here.
I know I am no beauty queen, but having people, especially men (sorry, ladies) comment on the way I look is a boost. So, again, I start thinking. What if these boosts can really add up? If you are subjecting yourself to the world to judge, and you hear good things, will YOU start to believe the good things? Even a little bit?
So – that’s my idea. And If I write it all down here, maybe that will encourage me to follow through. Sure, I would LOVE to have other ladies join in with me. Play along silently, or play along publicly. I was shocked to see so many readers comment on Facebook that they have self esteem issues. I look at each of you, and I am so envious. You are all so talented, attractive, and successful in so many ways – how could you doubt yourselves? But, maybe you think that about ME, too? I don’t know. It’s a crazy world we live in.
But back to this project.
Every few days I am going to challenge myself to do something for ME. Things that I hear make women feel better about themselves. Silly or crazy, I will try things. First up, eyes. I’m gong to pick a picture out of a magazine and copy the eyes as best I can. Maybe I’ll like it, maybe I’ll hate it. But it’s all in the trying. And then? I am going to photograph myself. I’m going to put that picture out here and wait for judgement. Good or bad, it’s all about putting myself out there. I’ll post the pic by Friday.
I want to feel better. Don’t you?
I’m not sure if it will work, I have no preconceived notions about this project at all. But I do hope. I hope that there is some magic number out there, some number of positive reinforcement that pushes me out of this funk. I hope there is a magic number out there for you, too.
I intend to post those pictures here, on my blog. In this hidden category. But I also intend to post the picture on Facebook as well. If you have Facebook, I challenge you to do the same. It’s a leap, I know. Believe me, I know.
I want to say one more thing before I go.
I wonder something else. Remember being the girl who wanted that certain boy? And he never noticed, or, he broke your heart? I have this sneaking feeling there was a boy that felt that way about YOU, too. Somewhere, there is a man that still has that schoolboy crush on you. Maybe he’s watching still. Join me here. Take your picture.
Smile for him.
And smile for that jackass who didn’t notice you THEN. He’s kicking himself now, I guarantee.
Just…SMILE.
{ 19 comments… read them below or add one }
Just wanted to say to all those girls out there who want the boys who don’t notice them.. I was friends with the boy that didn’t really notice me in high school (he was always dating – and NEVER dating me). Years later he found me on MySpace, of all places, and now guess what? He’s my husband. If I can do it, so can you!
Oh, mama. How I WISH I could pair what little make up and grooming knowledge I have NOW with the body I (didn’t like!) in high school!!!
Good luck!!! (And does this have to do with all the private posts in the past few months?? I think I must have missed something, way back then, as to why half of your posts were unavailable, but I didn’t like to pry. Whatever it is, best of luck!!!!)
PS – I’ll do something fun with my eyes this week, and post a picture. hehe
I love this idea. I may join you on this wagon. Such a shame that I can’t afford to look the way I want to look and buy the things I want to buy. Any money that come goes to the kids. But I need to try.
Nice going Susan.
I will join this little self esteem boosting experiment! I hate the way I look. I have always wanted to be the pretty one. I was instead the funny one or the “she has a good personality” one :/
Susan, you inspire me! I don’t think I’ll be posting pictures of myself anywhere anytime soon, but I do like the part about challenging myself to do something different and just for me every once in awhile. When I was in high school (long, long ago) I too had issues with my weight and confidence. If only I could go back now to the weight I was then…It’s sad how we’re all so hard on ourselves just trying to be comfortable in our own skin. Unconditional love has to start with thyself. It’s something that needs to be worked on each and every day.
Great post. I was the nice fat girl who was everybody’s friend. I didn’t have a boyfriend or go to prom. I am the house everyone came to the next morning because I cooked them breakfast. I have never felt good about myself. I am now the yelling mother who treks out to the chicken coop in sweatpant cutoffs and shitty crocs. I need to do more for myself and my family. They deserve better. I am trying now by REjoining Weight Watchers for the upteenth time. I hope that it is the first step in the right direction. I gotta admit I love it when my hubby grabs me and calls me Slim, which I am not, but I have his love and support regardless.
this scares me to be honest! i’m so unhappy with my weight that i avoid pictures of myself at all costs…but i need to do something! thanks for the challenge and inspiration–you are awesome, and gorgeous btw!
LOVE this idea! I’ve been feeling a lot like this since having my son, but lately I’ve decided to take some time for me, so… I started taking pole dancing classes! I’ve been having a blast, and even though I’m not completely happy with my body, for at least that hour and a half every week, it doesn’t matter. It makes me feel amazing. Check it out: http://www.yogaflirt.com
They even do private parties (classes), so if you ever come out to California… BTW, no stripping involved
I love this post, but I have to ask: did you mean for this to be a private post? I subscribe to your RSS feed and usually you post recipes and an occassional hidden post that I can’t read. This seems like one of them. Just checking.
But yes, people should get medals for surviving highschool. It is complete, utter hell. It’s so sad how mean people can be.
I totally agree with you, Susan! If only we could have seen ourselves as we really were in high school, and not as we wished we were. I was unhappy with myself on so many levels. Weight, hair(hated my curls), non-athleticism, etc.
Now, at 43, I’ve finally really started “knowing myself,” and can finally appreciate the good things about myself, as well as give myself a break on the things I don’t like. We have to quit comparing ourselves to “perfect” people and just look at ourselves and work on becoming what we want to become. Part of that is to stop obsessing over “I’m not good enough,” and start working on encouraging others, and that will return to us. Sometimes our depression comes from looking at ourselves so hard (and becoming self-absorbed…not attractive on anyone) and so exclusively that we forgot to smile and reach out to people around us. A smile is the thing that makes us prettiest, so we need to work on that, too!
Good for you; taking pics of yourself is a good way to “see” yourself and appreciate what you like. I can’t wait to see that. You rock, lady!
Well, I thought you were pretty in high school…
I was The Spaz. The Freak. The Weirdo. The druggy (though I didn’t touch a drug during high school, they just all thought I was because I dressed differently and did my hair oddly) And oddly despite it all I loved how I looked. Maybe it was my defiant nature. But I hated being the one on the outside being laughed at, made fun of, whispered about, all because of my personality. Some ways I wished I was ugly. At least it wouldn’t be *ME* they were making fun of. (I’ve always had a big disconect with my body. It’s my Body, my Vessel, but not ME) But now, I’m not feeling my pretty self. Because of having my last baby I had to chop all my hair off because the hormones distroyed it. My skin has taken a turn for the worse. And dispite it being my vesel, I want my Highschool body, thick hair, good skin back. Hubby inists i’m beautifull, but some times its hard to feel that way.
I might go play with my make up sometime this week… If I can find time between 3 kids and a husband.
I’ve been thinking about so much very similar stuff lately and trying to figure out how and where to put it into words. You’ve done it better than I could have, and made it so personal that I want to join in. I don’t know you yet, but I’m proud of you already. Way to go!
I love this idea. Things have been so crazy busy, I hope I can get myself to get in gear and join in, at least on FB, but I can’t guarantee it. I can’t remember if I told you that I loved your new pics or not. I hope you know you can still email me and vent or call me. Love you dearly!!!!
As someone who often sat right next to you in high school, I always thought you were beautiful! Our shared quirkiness (if that is indeed a word) is what kept me coming back, though. I always loved your streak of individuality that was so refreshing for an outsider coming into our rather homogenous high school.
I did it!! http://suburbanhousewifeuprising.blogspot.com/2010/07/showing.html
Love this! It is so very true. In high school we have no idea who we are, then we eventually find ourselves, get married and have a family, and lose ourselves again….and how wonderful it is to reclaim ourselves…an even better version…like the 2.0….when the time is right. Sometimes we need a “nudge” to realize we are still an awesome individual and it is okay to be that individual and a mommy and wife! : )
I gave myself a harder time in high school than anyone else did. I was what I thought of as a leftover. (LOL) I wasn’t popular- but I only had a few mean girls that made it their mission to poke fun at my new hair, clothes, boyfriend…only had a few too. I was all the boys friends- which did give me a tough time because all the girls thought I was you know… and I really wasn’t. I was a tomboy so I didn’t really get into the girly stuff until after I graduated. I would have loved to have had my chi to tame my frizzy hair-and tried a little harder to look pretty because I had NO Clue and no one showed me either. But as bad as high school was- I had a few great friends that made it survivable
Then once I had my son-many years later I fell right back into the funk of not caring or trying too hard to look pretty. I think motherhood- as fun as it is can suck the life out of ya sometimes! This challenge is cool…I may give it a whirl 